Sunday

Tomorrow it will be a week since I started this calorie deprivation. I have not cheated although I have at times not followed my eating schedule perfectly. I have found I can control Lizzy's anger at me by missing my times of eating what she has scheduled me to eat. I am a brat and don't listen or follow instructions well. She wants to punish me but can't seem to get there. Sometime I think I am looking for the punishment.

I find myself dreaming of food all the time. I can almost taste things in my mind. New flavors like the Mexican, spicy and hot were just wonderful. I feel like I could have eaten 5 of those enchiladas they were so good, a flavor which in the past I would probably have turned down. I recall this hungry feeling in Vietnam were it got so bad I would eat anything that came along. The difference was that there I didn't have the time to linger on the idea of food. At the same time I am perplexed because there is food all around me and I can't have any of it.

Why do I feel so guilty about feeling full? I ate 3 baby carrots yesterday evening as a snack and was uncomfortable, my stomach felt so full like I was going to explode. I felt so guilty, like I had cheated myself. For some reason feeling full even though I hardly have eaten anything makes me feel very guilty. 

Tomorrow I weigh in. When I look back this week I feel like maybe I ate too much and yet at times during the week I felt like I was starving to death. What if I haven't lost any weight? Less calories? Starve me, I am a bad boy.