Weight/ Next week, Thanksgiving

My starting weight was !92 lbs. The second week started at 188 lbs. The third week started at 186 lbs and this week starts at 183 lbs. So three week total weight lose of 9 lbs. Total weight loss since start 4.69%. I feel good about this. It really doesn't seem like I have been doing this for three weeks.

Thanksgiving is coming up this next week. So I will need to pay attention to what I eat up until then and after but no use worrying about the day itself. If things have been going right my stomach shouldn't demand piles of food. I am going to concentrate on quality not quantity for that day. Go with small portions of things I really like and eat 6 times that day. Not two huge meals where I have to lay or sit down to calm my stomach. Exercise, Exercise! This should help also. Good head, good attitude.  

Missed

So, I have missed some posts. But in talking with Liz I now understand the importance of how I am feeling in this journey and recording my feelings are important to seeing where I've been and where I am going. Ten pounds in a little more than two weeks leaves me proud. I also realize I have a way to go which makes me think that getting back to exercise and sticking with proper eating is important to focus  on every day. I have times when I feel a craving for something not always knowing what that something is. I also realize that I can eat a meal which tastes good, is filling and doesn't have many calories. Like last night we had Cod with broccoli, it was more than filling and tasted great. Two days ago we had pizza and I over ate, which left me feeling guilty and stuffed. But now looking back I realize I can't do that all the time but I didn't kill my goals. I need to think and feel more. I should not be afraid to make mistakes, all is not lost to mistakes. Pick yourself up and get on with things. These are ramblings I know but sometimes it is alright to let your mind ramble. 

Sunday

Tomorrow it will be a week since I started this calorie deprivation. I have not cheated although I have at times not followed my eating schedule perfectly. I have found I can control Lizzy's anger at me by missing my times of eating what she has scheduled me to eat. I am a brat and don't listen or follow instructions well. She wants to punish me but can't seem to get there. Sometime I think I am looking for the punishment.

I find myself dreaming of food all the time. I can almost taste things in my mind. New flavors like the Mexican, spicy and hot were just wonderful. I feel like I could have eaten 5 of those enchiladas they were so good, a flavor which in the past I would probably have turned down. I recall this hungry feeling in Vietnam were it got so bad I would eat anything that came along. The difference was that there I didn't have the time to linger on the idea of food. At the same time I am perplexed because there is food all around me and I can't have any of it.

Why do I feel so guilty about feeling full? I ate 3 baby carrots yesterday evening as a snack and was uncomfortable, my stomach felt so full like I was going to explode. I felt so guilty, like I had cheated myself. For some reason feeling full even though I hardly have eaten anything makes me feel very guilty. 

Tomorrow I weigh in. When I look back this week I feel like maybe I ate too much and yet at times during the week I felt like I was starving to death. What if I haven't lost any weight? Less calories? Starve me, I am a bad boy.

Second day

Had to weigh myself 3 times on the electronic scale. It gives a different answer every time. I'll settle for 192 lbs. My goal to start with is between 165 and 170. I say to start with because I am starting to like this idea of loosing control, maybe we could shoot for a dress to fit into. I have been 140 to 145 and been fit. Androgyny appeals to me. With all you can read, calorie restriction is supposed to ad years to your life. Lizzy is topping me in a strange sort of way and it excites me.  

Trust

Oh I do trust her. I feel so deep inside that I would trust her with most anything. I can feel vulnerable with her. I can really let go and trust and feel good.

My first day

My first day with the eating experiment. Got up and didn't check my email right away, when I did I found that Liz had already sent me emails to get started. Unusual feeling this loosing control but in a way I feel two things. Nervous/afraid and longing. This is crazy, I'm nervous and afraid that I will make mistakes and Liz will get mad at me. But at the same time if feel almost a sexual longing to be treated like I'm not capable. She is already on me about thing she wrote. I've been asking her questions but she has answered more subjectively than objectively. I feel like I am going to fall apart if I am not guided through everything. I need to go shopping or she is going to get pissed.